Have you ever wondered why life is so unfair?
Some people are born rich while some are born poor. Some people get scholarships without trying while others spend hours reading but never get good grades.
Some have great skin; you know that smooth, soft, silky skin that looks as appealing as jollof rice and chicken on a Sunday afternoon. While some of us are always works in progress.
Whenever someone asks us what we are doing our about face, we switch to dermatologist mode and reel out recipes. Here is what the conversation looks like:
Mummy: Ada what are you doing about your face o? Will you get a husband with this kind of big big pimples? Haa…
Ada: Mummy I’ve tried everything o, I have used urine to wash my face, soaked my face in cleansers, in fact I have even started mixing paw paw with condom fluid.
The conversation then goes downhill from there.
It looks unrealistic but that is the story of rough, pimple-oriented face.
So…if you always have to explain what you are doing to fix your face, my sister you need this advice.
If you have tried several soaps and creams only to get a burnt face or even worse, acne, Nne take your biro and start jotting!
If you always have to resort to heavy makeup to hide the blemishes on your face – so much that your “before-and-after” pictures don’t look the same in any way, then you need to read this to the end.
So let’s get down to business; here are five weird (beauty) treatments that will give you a spotless face in 21 days.
1. Vampire Facial
Vampire facial or face-lift is one of the most effective ways to make your face look better. It became popular in 2013 when Reality TV star, Kim Kardashian had it done on live TV. The procedure takes about 1 hour to complete and has long lasting effects on the skin.
What is a Vampire Face-lift?
The correct name for a vampire facial is Platelet Rich Plasma (PRP) Therapy. The “Vampire Face-lift” is a treatment that involves withdrawing a patient’s blood, processing it to isolate the platelet-rich plasma (PRP), then re-injecting it into the patient’s face to erase acne, black spots, wrinkles and create a more youthful look.
How to Get a Vampire Facial
If you want a vampire facial, follow this simple process:
- Find a doctor offering this service near you. At this time, only few Nigerian spas offer the vampire facelift.
- At the doctor’s office, they will use Hyaluronic Acid (HA) fillers to sculpt a youthful face without changing your natural face layout.
- They will then collect blood from your arm or any other part of your body.
- The doctor then uses the centrifuge to isolate the platelets in the blood.
- The next step is to inject the platelets back to your face, with the help of numbing cream as well as tiny needles to ensure minimal pain.
- After the injection, the bearer would get smooth skin in 14 days – and a complete face-lift within 4 weeks (28 days).
Note However: The Vampire Facial is a slightly painful process only for the courageous. It is also crazily expensive, with the lowest price being $700 (N300,000).
A cheaper-but-not-as-effective alternative is menstrual blood. Please don’t ask me how!
Number 2 is definitely not as creepy as a vampire facial is…
2. Bird Poop Facial
You heard me right: bird poop! Not every bird’s poop is used however; only that of Nightingales native to the Japanese island of Kyushu.
For centuries, the Japanese used this treatment. The Japanese discovered that nightingale-droppings (poo-poo) brightens, heals and rejuvenates the skin due to their natural enzymes and guanine.
This weird facial has anti-ageing qualities and is effective in the treatment of acne scars.
How does this work?
The droppings contain protein and enzymes, which break down dead skin, whiten it and clear blemishes. They also contain guanine and urea that smoothens skin. The bird poop is dried under UV lights so it’s free of bacteria and mixed with rice bran and rosewater to make the mask.
Here’s the process of getting a bird poop facial:
- The therapist will start by analysing your skin
- Then you get to use facial wipes to cleanse Your Skin
- The therapist further cleans your skin with a hot towel and steam machine. This is to remove hidden dirt and oils in your pores.
- Now you get to the fun part; the bird poop is mixed with water and rubbed on your face.
- You get a full-face massage so the goodies can sink in nicely.
- Once that’s done, your face is covered with a collagen mask.
- After a few minutes, you clean up and see some instant results.
You’ll see greater results in 24 hours.
Note However: The Bird Poop Facial is not available in Nigeria. It is also very expensive, going for $180 (₦54,000). It works well but in the end, ultraviolet sanitization or not, it’s still bird poop on your face!
3. Sperm Facial
You’ve tried everything, yea? But have you tried a little sperm on your face? It sounds disgusting, but somehow it is a great route to having smooth face. Do I need to mention that it is also cheap?!
A sperm “facial” can be good for the skin. Spermine, found in sperm, can do everything from soften skin to help prevent wrinkles.
What is a Sperm Facial?
Technically called the “Spermine facial”, a sperm facial is a DIY (do it yourself) therapy that involves rubbing fresh sperm on your face.
Sperm contains amino acids, enzymes, potassium, zinc and Spermine, all which fight acne and give smooth skin. Spermine facial is also reported to slow down ageing and give your face a natural glow.
How it Works?
It starts with getting a healthy donor, who eats well, exercises and drinks plenty of water – because the quality of life affects the quality of sperm!
You get the semen in a bowl and apply on your face. You leave it for about 20 minutes so your skin can absorb it and then rinse it off with lukewarm water.
Note however: It does not work for everyone and can have some severe side effects. Also, it could cause STDs, allergies and even acne, if the testosterone level is too high.
Depending on the quality of sperm, you start getting results in 14 days (consistency is key though).
4. Urine Therapy
You’ve probably heard people say the first urine in the morning has amazing health benefits. Well, you heard them right!
Urine facial or therapy is an ancient practice that provides a natural cure for skin blemishes and smoothens the skin.
Over time, people have used urine to cure all manner of skin conditions, from acne to black spots, to athlete’s foot and even eczema.
How does it work?
You collect the urine and massage into your skin. Pretty simple, huh?
The active ingredient in urine, which is urea, is also included in many moisturizing and skin smoothing lotions. So don’t worry, your face can probably tell that urine is nothing new.
You can do this in three simple steps:
- Collect your urine in a bowl. For best results, use the first urine of the day.
- Use a cotton ball and apply the urine to your skin.
- Allow the urine to sit on the skin for a few minutes before rinsing it off.
Voila, you start seeing visible results in 14 to 28 days.
Note However: you may have to keep the therapy private because many people will find it disgusting. In addition, you have to eat less junk and more fruits and vegetables to produce healthy pee. Sorry, I also thought it would be simple!
5. Horse Oil Treatment
Yes, you read right, oil made from horses.
It’s also weird and some people might find it disgusting, but compared to others on this list, it’s not that disgusting.
In ancient China, horse oil was used as medication to cure insect bites, asthma, burns, cuts, foot fungus, and several other infections – and even hair loss. It then crossed the border into Japan, and then South Korea, and has been used for beauty for 1000 years. (No wonder those South Koreans always look spotlessly clean and beautiful!)
The product is made by extracting oil from horse fat. Horses are normally raised for their meat in Asia, so the oil is just a by-product of the meat. (Not like they just kill the horses to harvest their oils.)
Horse oil clears spots and acne, improves skin elasticity, and prevents wrinkles, stretch marks, and eczema. It is rich in Omega 3, 6 and 9, which are Essential Fatty Acids beneficial to the human skin.
Horse oil is easily absorbed by your skin because its properties are similar to the oils naturally produced by human skin. In fact, no other oil has such a strong penetration force.
It is one of the top selling beauty products in Japan, Hong Kong, Taiwan, and mainland China. Horse Oil is suitable for facials and bathing, and also safe for all skin types and age.
That said, Horse Oil is available in various forms: it’s raw form (hard to find!) and in several beauty products like cream, soap, moisturizer, shampoo, body oil (not raw horse oil, but refined), etc.
At this point, you deserve a reward for your attention. So I’ll let you in on a little secret.
Here it is:
While horse oil works like magic, not all horse oil byproducts are created equal. The horse oil soap has however proven very effective.
In fact, you start seeing results in 24 hours (especially for infections). And in 21 days of using this rare soap…you can’t imagine the head turning you’ll cause when you walk down the road. Even your own smoothness and beauty would surprise you.
How The Horse Oil Soap Works?
Horse Oil soap will lather, and moisturize your skin. It will gently wash off oil and clear out skin pores by absorbing the waste products.
This eventually leads to a smoother and clearer skin.
Here’s the process of getting horse oil treatment:
- Rinse your face out with warm water.
- Use hands to make lather and gently rub bubble on face in circular motion
- Wait for few minutes then rinse out with warm water
- Dry your face by dabbing with a clean towel
- Apply a moisturizing face cream to obtain best results
For Shower (This is recommended for total skin smoothening):
- Just do your regular bathing, but twice daily for maximum effect.
- You can otherwise complement bathing once daily with facials at night (as explained above).
Using the horse oil soap this way ensures every type of blemish on your skin disappears and you’ll become clean and spotless — and look younger than your age.
How to get your own Horse Oil Soap here in Nigeria?
You’ll agree that this is the least weirdest of all the treatments here, and personally, it’s the one I’d go for if I were you – shebi it’s just to bath with the soap normally as I do with other soaps!
Unfortunately, this soap is only common in East Asian countries like China, Japan, Korea, etc and rare everywhere else in the world. It’s rarer in Africa, not to talk of Nigeria.
However, you’re in luck if you’re reading this article. I’ll let you in on a secret way I found to get the original horse oil soap right here in Nigeria. Not only that, I’ll show you how you’ll get it right at your doorstep, without having to leave your home to buy it.
Note: Never rub horse oil soap directly on skin to create bubbles, because the soap is very delicate and absorbs waste from you pores. You have come this far, so use your hands jejely!
So what now?
Look at the pros and cons of each treatment and decide on what you can use for your skin.
Yes, they are all (or mostly) weird, but we know that getting a solution to skin problems is for the best.
Moreover, over-the-counter medications and chemicals do more harm than good. So take your pick of these weird treatments that actually work. And before you can say Bobrisky, you are on the path to spotless skin.
If you ask me to recommend one of these however, you know I wouldn’t ask you to apply bird poop on your face or ask you to go through vampire facials – I wouldn’t even recommend urine or sperm…ewww!
Of course, the most reasonable to recommend in the list is the horse oil soap. This is the one you can actually cope with without disgusting yourself or others. And it’s proven to work for getting flawless skin — since before 1000AD.